my wife left me. ("How success destroyed us")

  • Published on Aug 1, 2019
  • One day, I came came home to an empty apartment -- my wife had taken our 3-year old son, packed everything, and disappeared back to Japan. There are so many facets to the story but... Success doesn't bring happiness. It just raises expectations.
    This video has been difficult for me to share, but I hope for others to learn from our mistakes. Please send the video to a loved one who needs to see it.
    (update) Here is my follow-up video on managing money in a relationship
    There are two book recommendations that have kept coming up, so I want to highlight them if you want to learn more about how love works:
    The Rational Male
    The 5 Love Languages
    Now, on to a bit of career talk - join me in my new coding interview training program. We just added systems-design and career-transitioning in-depth guides:
    Join me in my new coding interview training program here
    And, join ex-Google/ex-Facebook engineers in 60+ whiteboard coding sessions at (20% off now, limited time):
    » Get my free daily coding interview practice at
    » Get 2 free stocks (up to $1000 value) by opening an account and depositing $100.
    » Want to know what computer/camera gear I'm using?
    » Get Official TechLead t-shirt merch.
    » Check out TechLead: Season 1 here, my older private videos.
    » Affiliate Program: Are you an influencer with 5000+ followers, or do you know someone? Join my affiliate program and share our coding interview prep series for 50% commission, I'd love to work with you. Drop me a line at and I'll get you set up.
    » Party up:

Comments • 19 320

  • Vad M.
    Vad M. Hour ago

    NAWALT unicorns do NOT exist period

  • Winda Tjindaidy
    Winda Tjindaidy 6 hours ago +1

    So sorry to hear what has had happened,
    Perhaps your wife just wants your time, and attention.
    Read 5 love languages by Gary Chapman, it helped me in the past.
    Relationship goes both ways, perhaps the book will help you to identify and give you clarity.
    & Time will heal everything. Stay Strong :D

  • Becky Nurse
    Becky Nurse 10 hours ago +1

    Bless you I hope you find someone who is appreciative of you

  • Purple Rose
    Purple Rose 12 hours ago

    I believe if you worship your abusive parents because they have money you're a coward. I knew and asian whose father was rich, but mean and controlling, he cut him off and started everything from scratch. He did go through hard times, even homeless but guess what, he made a life for himself and makes plenty of money now. Dignity is not something you can buy. I respect YOUR WIFE more than I do you. I find your mindset insane.

  • Purple Rose
    Purple Rose 12 hours ago

    WTF your parents wealth can't get to your wife because they can't get along ? Do you realize YOUR PRIMARY FAMILY IS NOW YOUR WIFE AND SON ? Goodness most in laws don't get along anyway, who will get your parents money then ? Your fish ? How CHEAP of you, no wonder she left, you put your parents above your child's MOTHER, your life partner. No wonder she doesn't want to see you again. It's not about THE MONEY, since she doesn't care about your freaking inheritance, it's about HER POSITION. How would you feel if her parents disrespected you and she told you to get over it cause she gotta inherit their wealth ? You have no COMMON SENSE dude.

  • Purple Rose
    Purple Rose 12 hours ago

    Book recommendation : The 5 Languages of Love. If you care to make up for the mess you partly created and understand why she didn't respond to your gifts. That was not her love language AT ALL. Respect your wife dude. It's a shame.

  • Life Bidder
    Life Bidder 17 hours ago

    It seems like the way you describe it was that you tried to use money to solve relationship problems because it was what failed the relationship in the first place. Money can destroy a relationship but it cannot make a relationship. Like you said, you can use money to love each other-taking family vacations, going to nice dinners, and spending quality time with each other. But it cannot make the foundation. Money buys security but it doesn't buy happiness.

  • Ganesh Baba
    Ganesh Baba 18 hours ago +1

    Your insecurity makes you read my comments I know that and you going to be at home in your empty life with your empty soul and empty mind and think : "These haters are just jealous" nah dawg I'd rather die than be you. Nobody who got a good mind and who's soul's intact would actually want anything you have. You are a reflection of modern society Mr. Personality disorder...

  • Oshiba88
    Oshiba88 Day ago +1

    On the flip side of things, now some drunk loser ESL teacher in Japan is fucking your wife and dropping his load inside her tight snapper....all on your dime

  • ui78
    ui78 Day ago +2

    two words: religion, alcohol. Think

  • MrSoftie Ok
    MrSoftie Ok 2 days ago +1

    She was s spy who got the tech lead on her resume. If you go to japan then you might be accepted back with conditions relating to tech dev't for japanese corps. Much of the tech sector is a political tool. Aussie is occupied by chinese tech politics spies.
    Wife is done. Sure you are to have nice affair in japan on arrival. Business is your life. Even if they did not tell you. Its not tech for tech. Its the same kings and barons and spies and dirty tricks. Encrypt everything and find the way in from the cold. Bond tech bond.
    My idea is that you get a work visa. Have a japan legal clerk fix it for you.. And you dont lose anything too much after work review looks ok. Knowing the osi stack and framework NOT awk or whatever pattern design trick means nothing really. You are just a tinker toy with misguided dreams. The money is no longer a commodity. You are alone son.
    Did she learn alot about inside working at google?. Why are you telling about coding review tips? Did you get clients? Ever hear of non disclosure of work related property. I would give it a moment before the time comes when it comes back to bite. Good films

  • skrface13
    skrface13 2 days ago

    I get that his point is to say 'hey money is not the answer to relationships " and I think that's what happens to all celebrities, which is why there are massive divorces. However, the all miss the point. Money does buy time to get to the hard work of really knowing your partner. When you are poor your are forced to do so. But being rich, you have to actively and get out of your safe zone to do so.

  • skrface13
    skrface13 2 days ago +1

    Why don't you get the best lawyers and fight to get your son or at least partial custody?

  • vexpressivo
    vexpressivo 2 days ago

    Remember to make plans ahead of the holidays to keep yourself occupied so u don't have time feeling down when u c nieces n nephews.

  • Roman Brandt
    Roman Brandt 2 days ago +1

    Funny news :DDDDD

  • Kevin E. Ogbonna
    Kevin E. Ogbonna 3 days ago +2

    This is serious, you forgot to thank a sponsor.

  • Ganesh Baba
    Ganesh Baba 3 days ago

    Pride took at the end. Fight as hard for them as you did for your career and you get her back and your child but you wouldn't even consider just moving to Japan and fighting like a real father is supposed to. You should have seen my father fighting I don't see you fighting I see you gave up and bottled yourself up. Did you really love her? I have my doubts. My wife and my family do not have to like each other for her or my kids to inherit wealth. I would avoid pairing them that's all. My own family first not my mother or father. My kids and my wife are always above my mother and father and that's not disrespect that logic and real devotion and love you your own family. That's a huge error in asian culture and many other cultures as well.

  • Ganesh Baba
    Ganesh Baba 3 days ago

    One thing I recognize is you think about wealth so much I think you're clouding your own view. You obviously had poor communication so not everything was perfect...

  • Ganesh Baba
    Ganesh Baba 3 days ago +1

    I wonder sometimes if @TechLead parents are Chinese and his wife is Japanese that would explain a whole lot

  • Ganesh Baba
    Ganesh Baba 3 days ago +3

    Most things that matter to a healthy relationship you cannot buy period!

  • Ganesh Baba
    Ganesh Baba 3 days ago

    @4:22 that's the Gold Digger alarm I hoped not hear but well there it is...

  • Ganesh Baba
    Ganesh Baba 3 days ago +1

    Heartbreaking stuff...sorry for your loss

  • Ganesh Baba
    Ganesh Baba 3 days ago +1

    You probably see me commenting a lot but I'm compelled to do so anytime I see a shell of a mediavirus. "How success destroyed" us in itself is the shell of the virus. That's why people click because its self-contrading. If it destroyed your relationship then it's not success by default regardless of the money it made you. We don't lead successful lives not having a functional relationship with our partners. You were monetarily successful by society's standards but failed at succeeding a healthy relationship which is questionably far more important than monetary success. Monetary success becomes a failure once it destroyed your family and love life. I'm sure every case is very specific and a plethora of events happened before this unfortunate event happened to you. Sorry to hear that. I guess try your best to somehow have an impact on their lives. Nothing is lost it's suspended you got fired but with hope of regaining your position. Don't be too proud to beg to get her back. Especially if you were more at fault than her. That I cannot evaluate...

  • Paul Kamau
    Paul Kamau 3 days ago

    I rarely comment on RUclip vids but this was so moving! I'm praying for you man. My heart breaks for your marriage and for your son. As a guy working in tech, I think about family constantly. Thanks for sharing this!! 🙏

  • William Ortega
    William Ortega 3 days ago +1

    You are smart computer guy. You know how to solve problems. Analyze what happend and go on debugging mode. There is a lot of help outside there if they are important you will know how to solve the issue. Identify what was wrong and work the solution. I wish you the best.

  • wayan agy
    wayan agy 4 days ago +2

    it's sad when this guy stop joking about his life, i feel you man, kinda be strong

  • Carlos M
    Carlos M 4 days ago

    @TechLead it’s never too late. First I’m sorry you’re wife left. Sad the number of divorces each and every day. But you are not yet divorced.
    I went through a bad divorce and I had a teen daughter and younger son. Like you I wanted to be there for them.
    Seek help, Me I live in LA with no other family so lucky I turned to church. Not lucky it was a blessing. At least you have the means to seek help if not for yourself do it for your son. May God Bless you and guide your heart.

  • paochoua
    paochoua 4 days ago

    You worry too much about money. Money comes with sacrificing. Success is the ability to overcome obstacles.

  • saurabh hiwrale
    saurabh hiwrale 5 days ago

    I feel like you have ego issues because women will give everything if you love her from all heart..

  • Maryam Mizak
    Maryam Mizak 5 days ago +2

    I'm sorry but TechLead just reeks of little dick energy.

  • Nelcomarproductions
    Nelcomarproductions 5 days ago +2

    Your wife is a gold digger my dude.

  • Nelcomarproductions
    Nelcomarproductions 5 days ago +3

    Go MGTOW. Women will always complain. She still would have left you even if you did not work as much.

  • fujisan0388
    fujisan0388 5 days ago +1

    0:49 Who else was expecting him to say "Myself"?

  • candugiful
    candugiful 5 days ago +1

    Honestly nobady give a fuck about your personal life!

  • Martin Drienka
    Martin Drienka 5 days ago +1

    ...and maybe you're just crappy in developing/keeping relationships. I am being single for most of my life and I tend to blame lack of success/money in contrast to your story... The truth is out there.

  • Amish Budhathoki
    Amish Budhathoki 6 days ago +1

    It’s so sad that it breaks your heart 💔 😭

  • Alexandra Sinclair
    Alexandra Sinclair 6 days ago +1

    Money is useless! Most of our problems come from money and greed! Unfortunately, our societies have been created around a system that is too dependent on money. Systems normally exist in equilibrium, but the banks have created an unbalanced system. Governments can only bail so much using the taxpayer's money, this system is struggling, change is coming...

  • Jenny Gibbons
    Jenny Gibbons 7 days ago +2

    How many times you equate money and "success" with love in this short item? If you live until you're 80, you've less than 30k days to realise that love + time = success. Everything else is chasing the wind.

  • Marc Andrew
    Marc Andrew 7 days ago

    We're only hearing one side but it sounds like that rig was going into the rhubarb one way or another. Money or no money
    My bit is take money out of the equation and imagine you both living a life somewhere in the middle or lower middle class. If you imagine that beautifully and well then this is worth spending time on. Otherwise thank you (mean it) for the honest and open video but now its time love your child move on with your life (end of story)

  • ablackprep
    ablackprep 7 days ago +1

    💔 Happy 😊 Thanksgiving 🦃

  • raffy g
    raffy g 8 days ago

    Simple logic, she's a gold digger bro, sorry to say that.

  • sinthason
    sinthason 8 days ago

    "My personal value of money may have not grown in proportion of success I may have reached". I feel you on that.. Growing up dirt poor gives you a different prospective on a value of a dollar.

  • •Vive Mode•
    •Vive Mode• 9 days ago +1

    Please Notice This Tech lead
    Money will not make you happy! Yes you have a lot of money, but the question is are you happy?? You know, I don't know why a type of person like you always working for money, when you die, you cannot bring your money above there! Here in Ph, we don't have a lot of money, yes we are poor.. but I go to school, we're COMPLETE, happy and contented.. We just want calmness and peace.
    Sorry for my bad english

  • Jade Davis
    Jade Davis 10 days ago +1

    You had everything but love ❤️

  • Snake_XIX
    Snake_XIX 10 days ago +2

    So “success ruined us” because
    - She had enough money that she didn’t have to rely on you
    - You couldn’t make her happy anymore by spoiling her
    - The money was the best part about you

  • chronocide
    chronocide 10 days ago +3

    speaking as someone how has done well in tech, i can see the cracks in this story

  • Richard Kucklinski
    Richard Kucklinski 10 days ago +5

    Maybe cause you were working 7 days a week and didn’t need to? Life is all about balance.

    • Nelcomarproductions
      Nelcomarproductions 5 days ago

      @Richard Kucklinski hence why he is better off alone.

    • Richard Kucklinski
      Richard Kucklinski 5 days ago

      Nelcomarproductions I’m not sure what happened exactly but marriage is almost impossible regardless of money or not, people just seem to be bothered by the extreme monotony of it and agitate each other over time.
      Most percentage of men like it and just enjoy the security ,love and comfort while most (pretty)women want more after a while and take advantage of their endless desires and ability to find any man anytime to fulfill them.

    • Nelcomarproductions
      Nelcomarproductions 5 days ago

      he worked that much because of the life style she wanted.

  • Filip Lupták
    Filip Lupták 10 days ago +1

    "I don't love you because the price of the gift you bought me isn't high enough."
    Such a horrible ego. With ego of this size, you will never have healthy, lasting relationship, even if you met the most lovable man in the world. This woman doesn't need apologies, but a firm man to straighten her out!

  • The Storm
    The Storm 10 days ago +1

    Your wife abducted your son which is child abuse. There's no excuse for that. She's a terrible mother and an awful human being.

  • Himanshu 7460
    Himanshu 7460 10 days ago

    vandho maris chodu bhagat

  • Emily Chiang
    Emily Chiang 11 days ago +2

    don't betabux. Save yourself

  • hello520111
    hello520111 11 days ago +1

    bad father, maybe. not a bad person.

  • LoveBug Loves
    LoveBug Loves 11 days ago +2

    What made you so focused on money?

  • Rishabh Khosla
    Rishabh Khosla 11 days ago

    All the money in the world, and you buy her a $30 present. Where else could you have spent it. It's not about the money, it's about the intent. If you can afford an expensive present which you obviously could and it wouldn't have hurt you buying it for her, you should have. These are the small little acts of kindness that actually matter. The thought that you should have given a present that would have made her happy and not a $30 present for your wife's birthday when you earn $500k an year. It was about what makes her happy on her birthday. You measured little acts of kindness too in money, not intent. In the end, you said we had all the money in the world, all we had to do was spend it. Yet, you used to stress a $100 dinner and gave a present that was kind of disrespectful towards your wife. Obviously if you attain a certain lifestyle and a financial status your wife is going to expect an appropriate present. A person with a minimum wage job would've done better for their wife.
    BTW your other videos regarding Software Engineering are straight fire, love them.

    • Rishabh Khosla
      Rishabh Khosla 6 days ago

      @TechLead you know too, it wasn't whether she'll like it or not. It was about you not liking to spend much. She would've liked some diamonds for sure or a fancy dinner. And sure, you might be a minimalist. But sometimes you could do what the other person, which happens to be your significant other, wants. And birthday just comes once an year. Even if you'd have stayed a minimalist all year and given a nice present on her birthday and taken your family out to someplace fancy, it would have made up. It's the intent sir, to do something that wouldn't hurt you as much as it would make her happy. And she would've understood the rest of the times. Also I'm just a third person commenting on YT. They're may have been more to the story and I'm no one to dissect it. XO.

    • TechLead
      TechLead  11 days ago

      as a minimalist, i just never saw the value in material items or luxury brands... it's really quite difficult buying stuff for other people, especially high-valued items that you don't know if they'll even like...

  • Xander17
    Xander17 11 days ago +1

    "How success destroyed us."
    Nope. Success doesn't have any innate power to do anything.
    The problem is how both of you responded to success.
    In the same way that some folks think the adage, 'Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely', it true, again, nope. The corruption is done by the individual by how they respond to having power.

  • next page
    next page 11 days ago +1

    30 dollar birthday gift?
    I think birthday gift should be no less than 10% of the monthly salary.

    • Seemsayin
      Seemsayin 11 days ago

      Really? So then... you'd be disappointed if YOUR birthday gift wasn't AT LEAST 10% of the giver's income? What planet are you from?

      People give gifts because they WANT TO. If you couldn't be happy with a simple "happy birthday", then your moral compass is probably broken. Never expect ANYTHING. This way, you'll never be disappointed, and others won't find you shallow.

  • Demonwater Demonwater
    Demonwater Demonwater 12 days ago

    Yo Invisibilty bout to come out I know how to make stuff invisible I wonder if anyone else does i bet tech lead can figure it out

  • Lightbringer
    Lightbringer 13 days ago +6

    "My wife wasnt a golddigger" suuuuuure dude suuuuuuuuure

  • noimnotnice
    noimnotnice 13 days ago +3

    Take the red pill. Most women will screw you over and gynocentrist society helps them in doing so.

  • Seemsayin
    Seemsayin 13 days ago +1

    Success did NOT destroy you. You did.
    Success only makes you more of what you really are.
    And I get the feeling you were an asshole, long before the success.